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Blog about random things.

Category: Jokes / Chistes

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday.

women are always right men are always wrong

 “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.” The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Updated: March 24, 2016 — 12:05 PM

Reasons why the chicken crossed the road

chicken-crossing-road-dream-poster

So why did the chicken cross the road? 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken…. and the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can’t cross the road.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Updated: June 19, 2016 — 12:50 AM

If Twitter existed throughout the history, the most famous tweets of all time would be:

hitlerious

1. Retweet if you’re J3wish. ~ Hitler

 
2. LOLOL people just came out of a wooden horse’s @ss. #wtf

 
3. Just hanging. #brb (3 days ago). ~ Jesus

 

 

4. @JFK Great morning in Dallas. Rollin’ with the top down!!! #sunsout #gunsout

 

 

5. @JCaesar Just going to see the senate. Hope my main man @MJBrutus is there!! #truehomies

 

 

6. Why the fück am I inventing the telegraph again?? #iamnuts ~ Samuel Morse

Updated: March 23, 2016 — 11:34 AM

50 really offensive jokes

 

1. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a shit when my computer crashes.

2. My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

3. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.

4. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

5. What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

6. What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

7. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

8. How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

9. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

10. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

11. Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver’s Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.

12. Feminism

13. So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

14. Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

15. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.

16. What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

17. So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn’t work.

18. How do you kill a redneck? Wait ’till he ***** his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

19. What’s the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

20. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.

21. How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool? Flip it upside-down.

22. Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.

23. What happened when the jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.

24. How long does it take for a black woman to take a **** ? Nine months.

25. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy.

26. What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

27. How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch.

28. Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

29. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

30. What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

31. How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

32. What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

33. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

34. Girls are like blackjack… I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

35. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

36. Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

37. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

38. What’s 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

39. A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.

40. What’s difference between dollars and Jews? I’d give a **** if I lost 6 million dollars.

41. How does a black woman know she is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked.

42. Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.

43. One time I ****** this chick so hard, she almost came back to life

44. I don’t understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he’s black and all, but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

45. What’s the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.

46. What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

47. Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

48. What’s the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs.

49. What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a downey jr inside of them.

50. What’s a word that white people can call white people, but black people can’t call black people? Dad.

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 10:40 AM

Alcohol and the female personality.

Drink: Beer 

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks 

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. 

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. 

Drink: Mixed Drinks 

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.  

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her; if she is interested, she’ll send you a drink. 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) 

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. 

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. 

Drink: White Zinfandel 

Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. 

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. 

Drink: Shots 
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk … and naked. 
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 9:42 AM

Every Darkwing Duck entrance metaphor, ever.

I am the terror that flaps in the night,…

I am the batteries that are not included…

I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3am…

I am the fingernail that scrapes the blackboard of your soul…

I am a special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show…

I am… obviously out of my trademark blue smoke.

I am the termite that devours your floorboards…

I am the surprise in your cereal box…

I am the headache in the criminal mind…

I am the raspberry seed you can’t floss out…

I am the onion that stings in your eye…

I am the scourge that pecks at your nightmares…

I am the hairball that clogs your drains…

I am the low ratings that cancel your program…

I am the auditor that wants to look at your books…

I am the slug that slimes your begonias…

I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair…

I am the itch you cannot reach…

I am the smoke that smokes smoked oysters…

I am the jailer who throws away the key…

I am the ten dollar service charge on all returned checks…

I am the sand trap on the fairway of evil…

I am the sourball in the candy jar of goodness…

I am the grade curve that gives you an F…

I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you…

I am the neurosis that requires a $500 an hour shrink…

I am the weirdo that sits next to you on the bus…

I am the bug that splatters on your windshield…

I am the spider who naps at your neck…

I am the combination lock on the vaults of justice…

I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg…

I am the pin that will burst your bubble…

I am the bubble gum that clings to your shoe…

I am the repairman who tells you your warranty has run out…

I am the cat that lays kittens in your bed…

I am the switch that derails your train…

I am the paper cut that ruins your morning…

I am… feeling really stupid. Boy, I hate it when I’m early. You’d think criminal masterminds would be more punctual.

I am the weed whacker in the garden of evil…

I am the moth that seeks your porchlight…

I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair…

I am the rhinestone on the jumpsuit of justice…

I am the flea you cannot flick…

I am the stain that CAN’T be rubbed out…

I am the peanut butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth…

I am the cholesterol that clogs your arteries…

I am the single career man all women want to date…

I am the check writer in the Cash Only line…

I am the zit that forms when you’ve got a really big date…

I am the secret center of a cherry candy-pop…

I am the electrician who short-circuits the power lines of crime…

I am the parking meter that expires while you shop…

I am the pit bull that bites the ankle of crime…

I am the schnauzer that digs up your petunias…

I am the soap scum that limes your bathtub…

I am the hair ball that clogs your drain…

I am the shopping cart that mixes your paint job…

I am the eraser that rubs out the typos of crime…

I am the terrier that nips at your shoelaces…

I am the blown fuse that blacks you out…

I am the butter that burns in your pan…

I am the itch in your trigger finger…

I am the cold sore that stings your lip…

I am the hair in the lens of your projector…

I am the scourge that… pecks at your… well your nightmares…

I am the pustulent blister that bursts in your boot…

I am the metal key on the sardine can of justice…

I am the widget missing from the easy-to-assemble swing set

I am the editor that cuts your scene…

I am the burnt-out bulb you cannot reach…

I am the spinach that sticks to your teeth…

I am the cat that somebody let out of the bag…

I am the cotton swab that gets stuck in your ear…

I am the plot twist in the second reel…

I am the flea on your parrot…

I am the heimlich maneuver for the choking victims of crime…

I am the ghost of a chance that you don’t have…

I am the muddy shoes that track the linoleum of crime…

I am the yo-yo that keeps coming back…

I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime…

I am the top root that clogs your pipes…

I am the editor that leaves you on the cutting room floor…

I am the check that overdraws your account…

I am the low point on your signwave…

I am the limestone that petrifies your bones…

I am the awkward goodbye that lasts for far too long…

 

I am Darkwing Duck!!!

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 9:42 AM

50 really offensive jokes

1. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

2. My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

3. What do you call a five-year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.

4. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with

5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

6. What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

7. What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

8. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

9. How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

10. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

11. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

12. Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver’s Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.

13. Feminism

14. So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

15. Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law-abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

16. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.

17. What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

18. Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? I can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork

19. How do you kill a redneck? Wait ’till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

20. What’s the toughest thing about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on.

21. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.

22. How do you fit 4 queers on a bar stool? Flip it upside-down.

23. What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.

24. What happened when the Jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.

25. How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.

26. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

27. What do you call 40 Mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

28. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch.

29. Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

30. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

31. What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

32. How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

33. What is a redneck virgin? A seven-year old that can run faster than her brothers.

34. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

35. Girls are like blackjack… I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

36. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

37. Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

38. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

39. What’s 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

40. A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.

41. What’s difference between dollars and Jews? I’d give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.

42. How does a black woman know she is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked.

43. Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.

44. One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life

45. I don’t understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he’s black and all, but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

46. What’s the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.

47. What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

48. Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

49. What’s the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs.

50. What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a Downey Jr inside of them.

51. What’s a word that white people can call white people, but black people can’t call black people? Dad.

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 9:42 AM
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