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Tag: jokes

How America’s Economy Works.

A man wakes up in the middle of nowhere. He has no money, he doesn’t know where he is and there is absolutely nothing around him, except for a small diner. The man walks towards the diner, where a sign reads “eat all you want, your grandchildren will pay”.

 

The man walks in, eats like there is no tomorrow and, when he is done, a waitress walks up to him and gives him the bill. “Wait, I read the rules carefully.” says the man.”I know,” replies the waitress “this is your grandfather’s bill.”

Updated: March 8, 2017 — 11:20 AM

I’d love to be six again !

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.” The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Updated: March 7, 2017 — 12:52 PM

If Twitter existed throughout the history, the most famous tweets of all time would be:

hitlerious

1. Retweet if you’re J3wish. ~ Hitler

 
2. LOLOL people just came out of a wooden horse’s @ss. #wtf

 
3. Just hanging. #brb (3 days ago). ~ Jesus

 

 

4. @JFK Great morning in Dallas. Rollin’ with the top down!!! #sunsout #gunsout

 

 

5. @JCaesar Just going to see the senate. Hope my main man @MJBrutus is there!! #truehomies

 

 

6. Why the fück am I inventing the telegraph again?? #iamnuts ~ Samuel Morse

Updated: March 23, 2016 — 11:34 AM

Alcohol and the female personality.

Drink: Beer 

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks 

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. 

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. 

Drink: Mixed Drinks 

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.  

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her; if she is interested, she’ll send you a drink. 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) 

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. 

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. 

Drink: White Zinfandel 

Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. 

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. 

Drink: Shots 
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk … and naked. 
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 9:42 AM

50 really offensive jokes

1. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

2. My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

3. What do you call a five-year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.

4. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with

5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

6. What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

7. What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

8. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

9. How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

10. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

11. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

12. Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver’s Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.

13. Feminism

14. So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

15. Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law-abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

16. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.

17. What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

18. Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? I can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork

19. How do you kill a redneck? Wait ’till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

20. What’s the toughest thing about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on.

21. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.

22. How do you fit 4 queers on a bar stool? Flip it upside-down.

23. What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.

24. What happened when the Jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.

25. How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.

26. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

27. What do you call 40 Mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

28. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch.

29. Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

30. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

31. What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

32. How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

33. What is a redneck virgin? A seven-year old that can run faster than her brothers.

34. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

35. Girls are like blackjack… I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

36. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

37. Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

38. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

39. What’s 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

40. A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.

41. What’s difference between dollars and Jews? I’d give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.

42. How does a black woman know she is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked.

43. Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.

44. One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life

45. I don’t understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he’s black and all, but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

46. What’s the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.

47. What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

48. Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

49. What’s the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs.

50. What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a Downey Jr inside of them.

51. What’s a word that white people can call white people, but black people can’t call black people? Dad.

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 9:42 AM

There are 10 types of teachers.

NORMAL – Not good, not bad, just a teacher.

BORING – Talks for hours with a slow, deep voice that is impossible to understand.

BASTARD – Gives other students work to do while interrogating.

AWESOME –  Teaches by making his students watch movies and listen to Heavy Metal songs.

FOREIGNER – Basically that teacher with a strong foreign accent that tries to teach you a language he doesn’t know.

BLACKBOARD – Writes his lesson down on the blackboard and acts like the students have understood.

ITALIAN – Loads his students with homework to do during the holidays.

YOUNG – Can’t keep his students calm.

LOUD – Shouts all of a sudden to get his students to calm down.

PERVERT – Stares at female (or male) students while interrogating them.

Updated: March 25, 2016 — 11:33 AM
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