There's no way paper can beat rock !

I understand that rock can beat scissors and I get how scissors beat paper but there’s no way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobile? Why can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? 

I’ll tell you why. Because paper can do shit. A rock would tear it up in two seconds.
When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “oh sorry, I thought your paper would protect you.”